Borderline Personality Disorder: A Mother's Day Guide for Adult Children
85Charlotte Church and Josh Groban sing The Prayer
My BPD Mother's Day Survival Guide
Revised May 17, 2009
As an adult child of a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, Mother's Day is an especially challenging day. For years, I struggled to understand my mother's emotional push-me pull-you on most holidays. The fear of abandonment that the person with BPD has to deal with is intense and confusing for their children. My mother was always a mystery for me. She was the vivacious, entertaining center of attention. Beautiful, stylish and appearance-conscious, she inspired insecurity. Full of social confidence, she melted into an emotional pool when she interacted with her four children. How many years did I waste trying to ride the emotional roller-coaster with and attempt to love and find acceptance from this complicated woman? Too many wasted years. At last, with the help of a support group for family members of people with BPD, I am learning to understand and cope with this heart-wrenching condition. For those of you out there who have a mother with BPD, or whose mother is emotionally manipulative and self-serving, take a couple of tips from someone who has been there.
Structure, Structure, Structure.
I can't say this enough. Structure means planning a Mother's Day meeting with her. In this case, if she cannot commit, then she has made the decision. It is important to put the ball in her court. The best scenario is that she will agree to the visit. But, don't be surprised if she pulls a dramatic no-show or isn't there after you drive over. Call before you leave to assure her that you are on the way. Give her an estimated time of arrival. Be on time! The BPD mother needs a schedule. If you are ten minutes late, they will feel unwanted and abandoned. Remember, this is a real mental illness. Their feelings are not regulated or under their control. Have a definite departure time. Tell her that you have another commitment in advance. The BPD mother needs preparation for departure as well as arrival. Don't allow her to keep you beyond your time-limit, or you will begin to resent her emotional dependence. Keep the goodbye emotionally intense. Look in her eyes. Tell her you love her. All you can do is put your feelings toward her out there. Then, she can decide whether to accept them or not.
Plan a Group Visit or Outing
THe BPD Mother responds to verbal and facial cues far more than a mother without BPD. For your own sake, I would suggest a group meeting in a public place like a restaurant. The more the merrier. If she has a lot of people to interact with, then she may not focus her attention on one person intensely. Previously, I suggested a private meeting to serve the BPD mother's needs. After some thought, and in response to some comments from this article, I have changed my thoughts. The adult children need to survive these meetings, not the BPD Mother. Intensely looking into their eyes and trying to make them feel secure is an impossible task. If you don't have any siblings who can join you, try to invite Aunts, Grandmothers, and your children along to difuse the situation for you.
Validate. Validate. Validate.
Again, often the visit itself may be filled with her anger, misgivings and feelings of abandonment. Don't let her get you side-tracked. Validate her feelings. But, don't take any abuse. "Mom, I understand that you are worried about my (marriage, children, career, physical appearance, etc.) I am taking care of everything. Let's talk about your (job, health, vacation plans, etc.). I am so excited that you have decided to (fill in the blanks). " Validation is a challenging skill to master. Believe me, I'm in the baby-stage. But, I try to validate her feelings whenever I can. Try it and you may be surprised with the results. This is an illness that needs reassurance beyond the norm. Just because you wouldn't need validation doesn't mean that they don't. Their system demands it. And when they get just a little reassurance, they often respond with a sigh of relief. Practice a few validation sentences that you can memorize. Having a script on hand may help you in a pinch and help you to dial down your emotions during the meetings.
Don't Take Abuse. You Deserve Respect.
Having a BPD Mother is challenging every day, but especially on Mother's Day. When the going gets tough, sometimes the best thing to do is get going. And don't feel guilty about it. Please don't feel guilty. You are not a "bad" daughter or son. In fact, you deserve tons of credit for trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD mother. You have been dealt a challenging hand in life. You are a good, thoughtful, considerate, loving child. If she starts with any abuse, stand up for yourself. Tell her that you will not accept her disrespect and that you will leave if she continues. When validation fails, maybe its time to go. Her behavior is not your responsibility. You can only do so much. After all, you have a life too. But, please don't let yourself feel responsible. You deserve a clap on the back for trying to show her that you appreciate her on Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day!
Lyrics to The Prayer
I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
I pray we'll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Needs to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
- New England Personality Disorder Association
Affiliated with McLean Hospital
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watch out in close knit communities. Borderlines have very interesting ways of conducting themselves. They will "punish" for example, their son in law's mother if they are in the same community, but they will do it in a way that when the inlaws complain that they were insulted or embarassed, the borderline will make them look like they are super-sensitive and trying to be too overly involved in their kids' lives. Insidious.
i only written on here not to get cought up in this discussion as even thoe for many its a relief i find it too hard to read. i just had to write some thing as one day if my kids ever hear about my life and the illness i hide from them and they want to go on the internet to read about bpd that they wont fear me they will see that theres both sides and different points of views and different families with different stories to tell. i want them both to see that not all bpd parents are put in a box and how loved they were and how i have tried to give them the best in life as i can. i want them to see how much i loved them and how much i am liked by my friends and people i meet dont even know yet if they did ,would i seem different but at the moment i am just as nice as they are. This was upsetting i could not take this as a pinch of salt as my children mite have read this one day. i understand that people have been hurt and i think its good for people get together just when i read the top bit , it was not just about you and your mum it was like an anger and was a message to everyone as a warning.i won't be back on here no more as i think it won't do me any good but i hope wrote this for my children to read when there older and understand that there mother loved them and was a kind lady even thoe they will not know it was me who typed this. i hope one day you be able to find peace. i did not get my illness through my familly mine was througha trauma in the past so this is can happen any one thoe i would not wish this on any one its just the ansaw to mine. big hugs
Thankyou for the reply. i can understand living with a parent with bpd as they are the ones who you need most in life and as a child it probaly feels you go through it with them i dont know as i never been a child of a bpd parent.
I am a bpd mum but every one who knows me does not know i got it apart from my closest friend and family i act as normal as i can so my son will be ok . every day this illness hurts and is painfal but its hard. i love him so much and got another on the way and i love every moment it gives me a reason to carry on to but i protect them from me and i cant believe how happy my son is. once people with bpd learn about there illness and understand it then they can help them selfs i learnt see things as black or white, good or bad so i tought myself to see both the good and bad and thats what i do i think before i act . i just was worried people will see some of these and would feel fear i needed to show the that we are ok . but i dont come on these sites that often so hard for me to express myself as i dont talk about it no more but i came on here as i waned to learn more so i can be a mum to my son. you have taught me a lot on here but its made me more determined to be a good mum as i want to be his hero one day and watch him get married and bring his grandchildren to us. thank you for you kind word it means alot and hope people will keep an open mind.
If you want please do not be afraid to ask me about the illness if it helps you i be happy to ansaw it. as i know it hard to even for you and expecially when there seems be no ansaws. look after yourselfs and i wish you all well in life.
Well it was Mother's day here as well yesterday and I survived very well. I cooked her a beautiful lunch and spent the afternoon with her. That's after an anguished Friday night with my mother phoning me and (because she couldn't get in touch with me) my friends suspecting I had been attacked because I wasn't at home (you should have heard the hysterical tone of voice!. She knew where I was and who I was with! However like the most recent posts (and as I said before):
"she is kind and generous and would give me her last cent - a very complex woman".
I just take each day at a time and go to extraordinary lengths to avoid conflict - just to keep the show on the road!
I have never denied a comment on this site. I realize that people are angry and feel that this is a safe place to vent frustrations on both ends of the spectrum. I believe that mothers with BPD can truly be wonderful. I love my mother with all my heart. And I am sure that your child loves you as much as you love your child. Please do not be discouraged by the comments on this site. Take everything with a grain of salt. People are simply frustrated and are trying to have relationships with their mothers. Everyone has a right to have feelings. I believe all mothers grow and change. We become wise and we learn from our children. They are our greatest teachers. I know that I have become less selfish, more understanding, and have grown as a human being because of my experience as a mother. Being a mother changes the drug-addict or alcoholic sober, and can heal all of our mental disorders. We will fight our depression for our children. We will battle our anxiety. We will conquer our fears. And yes, we can heal our disordered pasts and our personalities. Motherhood is the greatest healer of all because there is no truer or more selfless love than that of a mother and a child.
I think this topic has discriminated a lot of parents with bpd and when a parent does put some thing on there whaich is positive gets deleted. this page will cause conflict and fear to people who do not understand the illness and also can do children more harm than good. not all parents with this illness are bad parents some are very good and inspired alot of people. bpd is not just a mental illness passed though parents, for the face i see more people bad mouthing the illness than people with bpd on here who have kept silent either they been deleted like i did for the fact i siad how well i did but was deleted or they are better people as thhe only ones i see on here who are angry and hurt are you lol. i will be reporting this site on monday to pals as this has really upset me. thankyou for waisting my time writing this to judgemental people
i am a single mum with bpd and have a a little boy. to be honest every day is not easy for me and every day the pain is there deep in me.But i love my son more than anything i put him first before myself i do things i never thought i do i go to the park and let him play, i speak to mum, take him along the beach thinking of how to get a good job to give him a stable home, i take him play school. most of all i cuddle him, i kiss his knee when he falls over , i read him a bedtime story and we laugh together , i tell him everyday i love him and i have sleepless nights when he porley. this can go on. yes i have bpd but i am no different to any other mum i am a great mum and my boy is extremly happy and confident .yes i have a bpd but i am proud of who i am as i am a bpd lady who a very good mum who loves her son. and a mothers love can be priceless and beat all illness. there are plenty of parents with bpd who do not get enough credict. i found this very harsh on the mother to be honest expecially when that was personal to you. i am sorry you feel the way you did but not all bpd are like yours.
I am also a single mother and I understand the stress and anxiety that comes with doing it all on your own. You have a disorder that makes the stress more difficult. If you have a family member who is willing to help you during this time, please consider allowing yourself to heal while keeping your child safe. If you take a look at McLean Hospital's BPD program, you will see that recovery is possible with therapy and medication. If you seek treatment while you are young, you have a great chance of overcoming this disorder. But, you have to take action and seek the help that you need. If you were physically sick, you would not be able to take care of your child either. Don't let the stigma of mental illness keep you from recovery. The best mothers care for their children not only by themselves, but through the best caretakers that they can find. Just look at all of the working mothers who leave their children with nannies. Society does not call them bad mothers. They are simply leaving their children in the hands of trusted people who will take care of their children. Spanking and yelling at your child is a sign that you are not in control. Take control of your life by getting treatment. You need to be healthy for your child. God bless.
I am BPD and I am a mother to a 2 year old and a single parent and hearing these things it awful and makes me cry. I don't want to be like these mothers and not like my dad who has bpd or somewhat of that nature. it's extremely hard to be a single parent to a toddler and have bpd,anxiety,and depression and my son may have autism. it's tuff with bpd. i love him so i never really hurt him now i do spank his butt but sometimes i yell at him. i sometimes wish i gave him to my cousin who is a mother of 6 and who is so freakin perfect and its not fair for me and my son. i am trying to fight it. he doesnt deserve it and i sure did not ask for this awful crap. my life been hard.
I am the adult child of a mother who has a borderline personality disorder. I'm 48 years old and my own daughter who is so much like my mother is 22 and pregnant for the second time. She's impulsive, irresponsible, angry, manipulative, but I love her. She gave her first baby up for adoption at the age of 19 and my mother thought I should have taken the baby and raised her. The child is doing very well with her adoptive parents as I do get to see her. When my daughter became a teenager I would of course give her boundaries which all teenagers hate of course. My mother would overturn what I had done behind my back and it has been a vicious cycle. My daughter is working part time, the father of child has been deported, and she has lived on and off like a gypsy with my mother's financial help. I am so angry and upset that now my mother took in my daughter and turns around and calls me cold for "not helping her." I am probably not making much sense rambling away, but this is helping me. I have tried so hard and feel like I am drowning and I also feel selfish because I want my life. I have a son who is 14 who deserves a regular teenage life and I want to share that with him. Instead I have been trying to "fix" my daughter and please my mom. There is now another little baby coming into the world and I am just plain terrified. The baby deserves a stable environment. Well, anyway thanks to who ever is out there.
Voted up, useful and awesome and I included a link on my hub regarding teens with BPD and I am also going to share it on my feed. So little is known about this disorder and I am dealing with BPD/ASD step-daughter and her mother, as well. It's horrible! I wish I would have read this years ago when it was originally published. Thank you for sharing!
Does anyone know of any support groups out there for family members of BPD?
My experience is nowhere near as bad as Gypsy. It's only the last year or so that I've had a name tag to hang on my mother's bizarre behaviour - even after my spending almost 20 years in counselling.
My father left 25 years ago and died soon after from what I beleive to be stress related cancer. He confessed his guilt at leaving my mother just prior to his death but since recognising my mother's behaviour for what it is I've been able to forgive him. However, I grew up with him constantly telling me - 'don't do that - you'll upset your mother'!
I've seen a lot - mother's day flowers dumped in the laundry, smacked with a stilletto shoe in the car for speaking out of turn, door slamming and sobbing because I spent half an hour with my husband when she was staying with us, refusing to atend my birthday parties unless I got a friend or my husband to invite her, verbal abuse and slamming the phone down, sobbing when challenged on misbehaviour, no speaking for weeks on end when things didn't go her way or even when there was a simple misunderstanding and so on and so on.
On the other hand she is kind and generous and would give me her last cent - a very complex woman.
When I was organising her 80th birthday party and inviting neighbours from her retirement village I was wondering if we were taking about the same person. My two cousins who have visited with us have said her behaviour towards me is totally different to the way she interacts with them.
I have accommodated her challenging behaviours on the grounds that she had a terrible childhood with every disease of childhood neglect imaginable and was sent to work at 14 with no teeth. Desite acknowledging that she probably needed to seek psychological assistance over 20 years ago she has done nothing about it - just saying it's too late.
However, she is now 83 and has other medical issues. Her behaviour with doctors is appalling (passive aggressive) and she takes no responsibility for managing her many ailments but complains constantly about absolutely everything. We live in a country with a wonderful medical system but it is wasted on her. I want to return to the UK as we have no other family here and I don't want to be here on my own when she passes. However the medical system there is not so easily accessible and generous as here.
I struggle with putting my life on hold for maybe another 10 years when she is so difficult, unappreciative and manipulative. I would love to be back in the UK to enjoy the children in the family and their growth.
I'm exhausted from coping with her 'stuff' but am paralysed about making my next move.
Ally there's no reason to be upset or to hate yourself. I have a mother who has BDP who I recently stopped talking with not because she has it, but because she refuses to acknowledge and get help for it. Because of that it spiraled into many incidents (some involving writing with her blood on the wall but I won't get into the details). She continues to be addicted to drugs and sits at home all day living off my father's alimony with on interest in a career.
YOU on the other hand acknowledge that you have it, and at a young age as well. You are trying to make yourself better, which is something that is rarely seen. This forum is just for people with BPD mothers who have still refused to come to terms with their life, not people like yourself that are young and willing to address your problems. How people deal with their 50 or 70 year old mothers after years of abuse with no improvement is not how your friends and family should be dealing with you. If they are, they are just like any other superficial person, not worth the time.
This really upset me, I'm 16 and recently got diagnosed with BPD and now I feel like a terrible person wo's a real handful and people should be rewarded for trying to stick around me.... I'm a person too, I have feelings too. All I ever try and do is make situations more comfortable and easy for everyone else but here you seem to have generalised 'how to deal with bpd sufferers' as if were all the same, but were not. I'm in tears reading this and I hate myself even more than before.....
Chances are that every therapist in private practice will, at some point in his or her career, encounter a client with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is very hard to help people with BPD, especially within the limited scope of treatment allowed by most managed care programs. &
Its good to know I am not alone. My mother is the classic BPD -- charming to friends, vicious to family. She doesn't speak to any of our relatives -- even her own sisters.
She has berated and abused me all my life. She slashed my arm with a pair of scissors when I was a teenager because I didn't get off the phone fast enough, beat me with a belt continually as a child and had not one kind word for me growing up. Hoping to please her as a teenager, I would clean the house, wash the clothes and start dinner when she worked a weekend shift. She never thanked me. And when I mention that now, she tells me that it was my father -- not me -- who did all that. I once asked her if there was anything that she found nice about me and her answer was a simple "NO." I've invited to drive 5 hours to pick her up and take her back to my home for summer vacation or winter holidays and she's made it quite clear that she doesn't want to visit me. I've driven 10-hours round trip to her house for her birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving and Mother's Day to take her out to dinner only to have her act like a 5-year-old and refuse to go after I pre-paid for the dinner reservations.
She has no interest in my life, doesn't have any idea what I do for a living and could care less about me or my family. She hasn't seen her only grandson in six years and won't even pick up the phone to call him.
Now she is 85 and as abusive as ever. She wants to move in with me ... but doesn't want to leave her house. I've twice made arrangements to get her help around her own home and she's twice scuttled those arrangements.
She can't say a nice word about anyone and is critical of everyone -- although she mainly targets me. She is abusive, narcissistic and sometimes paranoid. She recently started hearing voices calling her name and has been in conversations with my long-dead father. Her doctor says there is nothing he can do (because, of course, she doesn't project that side of herself during office visits).
I've tried to help her as much as I can but when things I arrange get scuttled every time and when I am continually abused verbally by her cutting remarks, I just feel like running away. Right now, I have decided to stop calling her every day to check in on her and see how long it takes for her to call me. If I'm lucky, the abusive phone call I had with her yesterday will be my last.
hi i'm in tears reading this... i've suddenly realised I don't reallhy like my mother - and yet sometimes I am really grateful to her for looking after me and loving me so much . But this is At Times - and then, well then, she'll be catty and hurtful and I know she thinks I'm terrible.
Hey ho it's all very complicated but good to know a) it's a disorder and b) it's not me.
Thank you for all who have shared this. It really helps
K
After reading the various postings all I have to say is "thank you" for sharing these insights.
It helps to know there are other daughters who have had similar experiences. I have recently decided to cease contact with my BPD mother which was a very difficult decision but the healthiest choice for me.
One word. WOW!!! Other than my brother no one gets it. xo
I really love my mum, she can be the most loving, caring and kind person I've ever known...and also the most irrational, self-pitying, over emotional and angry/violent person too. She got diabetes...I was very concerned and worried about her (she told me she was a 'dead man walking')...lost some excess weight to protect my kids from worrying about me the same way in case it was a family weakness etc. Mum called me a 'skull head' and laughed at me for losing the weight. I've invited her up for Sunday lunch on several occasions...always refuses. Invited her for a meal with us on 'Mother's Day' (That god awful day we all get it wrong etc!!!)...refused again and said, 'It's just not 'my thing' y'know...' She now has cancer and guess what...refusing treatment (no surprises there!). Several suicide attempts too etc when I was in my teens because I didn't do or say the 'right thing' apparently to her when my Dad died. I used to feel angry, helpless and guilty. I don't now, my mum has an illness and thinks differently to others. When my mum freaks, I say I understand, I don't take the bait and beg and plead and say how awful I am anymore. I am not responsible for her feelings and actions. I let her know that I love and care for her, I ignore any hurtful comments as if she hasn't even said anything and although this seems to really confuse her because she doesn't get the reaction and drama she requires etc, it is a godsend to me and my family. I wish you all the best, get all the help you can xxx
I've had to emotionally disconnect to cope with my mothers belittling and abuse. It's the only way I can NOT become an emotional wreck! It feels good to have emotional courage. It's something I should have learned in my youth. My mother is always right, she is always the victim and she's manilupalted my sibblings against me for nothing. Because I have the courage to stand up to her and say how I feel and disagree with her. She doesn't like it. My father is the co-narcissist, as is my older sister and adopted brother. I have stopped all communication in order to live my life happily. they can each share in their narcissism. I'm not angry, just saddened at the disappointment and unacceptance of me.
I agree, its taken me 36 years of verbal and emotional abuse to realise that she just is not worth it any more and I want my life back.
Ive just written my mother letter telling her of all the pain and heart ache that she has caused me, Ive given back to her the awful memories that Ive carried with me for so long and Ive said my good byes.
It feels wonderful.
I havent lost my mother. I have realised now that I have never had one to lose.
I love your advice. I think you re very strong and capable of uncondtional love. But to be honest, my mother is a borderline and I ran away from her at the age of 16 and have not said a word to her since, and now 24. My only regret in my life is not running away from her sooner. So my best advice to people, just leave them. They are incapable of feelings of empathy and you are nothing but pawn on a chessboard. They will try to rip you apart at first chance and will try until they succeed.
I so relate to Fire on Babylon. "she took my father"... "sisters...brother" I have stopped relating with my siblings because they tolerate the smear campaign. It sounds extreme... maybe it is, but I am so tired of this circus. I was the caretaker, and when my elderly father sought refuge from increasing abuse, I got caught in the middle, and I became the scapegoat. My BPD mother began smearing my husband, my in-laws, and me - a full offensive. Nothing was off limits. My sisters have just avoided rath (and disinheritance) but I have needed their support during very dark times. Talking to them just reminds me of the loss, so I don't do holidays or any family niceties. I can't believe I am acting this way; I used to work so hard at preserving family. I checked out three years ago from my mother, and I still can't stomach her. She lives two blocks away and I have two wonderful young boys. She and the boys are missing so much, but it's not worth it.
Just saw your more recent update, you and your children are your top priority. Don't know you whole background, but is social services involved in your mother's care? Or is she too high functioning for that? If it's possible to get them involved, that may help a lot. You could all be reassured she was being cared for without having to assume the burden. I empathize with the loss of siblings. When the estrangement began a year and half ago, I often played Fire On Babylon by Sinead O'Connor. This part of the lyrics resonated with me though I don't have children or sisters:
She took my father from my life
Took my sister and brothers oh
I watched her torturing my child
Feeble I was then but now I'm grown
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes a change has come
Fire on Babylon
Fire
Fire
Fire
She's taken everything I liked
She's taken every lover oh
And all along she gave me lies
Just to make me think I loved her
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes a change has come
Look what she did to her son
Fire on Babylon
I disagree that we have an obligation to care for personality disordered parents when they age. I'm 44 and I've been no contact with my mother for nearly a year and a half. There was a previous no contact time which lasted for about 5 years (can't remember exactly how long). I've done everything I could to set reasonable boundaries and she's refused to respect the boundaries. She disregards them. After being constantly berated while my brother is always praised (scapegoat/golden child dynamic), I realized I wasn't going to get what I need emotionally from her, so I focus on giving it to myself and getting it from the people in my life who are willing to give me what I need emotionally (close friends, extended family).
I tried to have a civil, but distant relationship with her. I was willing to at least contribute financially for her care if/when she was no longer able to take care of herself and visit her a few times a year to see how she was doing (she lives out of town, so airfare & hotel are costs which would limit visits to a few a year).
But that wasn't good enough. She's likely NPD and they love their smear campaigns. My new sister in law bought into the smear campaign a year and half ago. So I now have no relationship with my brother, my SIL or my niece who was born after the estrangement. Fortunately other relatives on her side have been through her smear campaigns with others, so they didn't turn on me.
I was devastated, but with the help of good friends, extended family and a good therapist, I'm healing and I've forgiven them, but I just won't ever put myself in position to be emotionally abused by this woman ever again. And if that means she ends up alone on a holiday or when she's elderly, it's the consequences of her own actions that did this. She can be quite charming when she wants to be and my brother doesn't have to deal with the same kind of wrath from her I do. So she is obviously able to have some sort of control over her behavior. She chooses not to exercise it with me or respect my boundaries.
I have been NC with my BPD Mom for almost a year now. I haven't come to terms with the fear, guilt and obligation for her care. This decision has effected my relationships with my siblings unfortunately. I have virtually been placed in exile. They must feel as abandoned to her care as I have in the past. But, I have to take care of myself and my children without the overwhelming needs of my BPD Mom right now. Once I feel stronger, I might be able to have a structured relationship with her again. Right now, I find it impossible. The stress was too great and her threats were paralyzing my progress. Being without support from my family is a lonely place. I never know when the other shoe will drop and my life will be destroyed. We must all keep the faith in ourselves and carry on.
I guess a lot of it is learning how to act without reacting to disapproval. I think something like my mom calling me a "sociopath" just because I wasn't answering her calls to stay with me would crush my spirit. Her insults are soul-crushing and really effect me. I do everything I can to avoid them. I will even listen to her go on about her other family members in very demeaning and hateful ways, and also my father, because I am scared to hear her turn that hatred on me. I know that I appease her, and yet I am too scared to do anything about it. I guess it will have to take stalwart to endure violent threats and accusations knowing that I am an adult and still will be fine after being threatened. However the thought of it is really crushing for me.
My sister knows how to take the insults and stand up for herself. I will never be certain if it is the right thing to do until I try it. Maybe that will push me over the edge into seeing reality. I like to pretend my mother is a different person than I know she is. Just because I know how not to press her buttons I have stayed away from her awful side. But I know it is still there, and I see her abusing people around me. It is scary. Also I can't stand up for my siblings if I am scared that she will attack me.
I don't know what to do really. Right now I am at a crossroads. My mother claims to have changes but she thinks and acts similarly to how she always does. My father is in denial. I think it is a devastating and confusing situation. Growing up with abuse is very reality altering because it seems like that is all there is to the world. I know I am unable to make friends or be close with people I love because of my relationship with her. Somehow I need to break from the fear but I am not sure how yet.
To Gypsy-
She pulled skin off your face? I am surprised, shocked, scared, and applaud you for living through that. I feel my life with my mother is meek compared to the horrific things you have been through. We have called the cops on my mom twice in my life. She also points and gestures with knives while she talked, but never pull them on us, and wow, well, never anything else that you had articulated either. I am so sorry, and I hate pity, so I won't give you that shit. I'm glad you got out and live 1000 miles free from physical contact.
I'm a psychology major, and although I want to have my own life and move on from shit, have my own passions that aren't correlated, the opposite of, or a gift from my mother, I really would like to help create prevention or early-detection programs for this disorder. I've thought for awhile that there should be a parent-evaluation test that everyone must take and pass before they have children, something that is foolproof. Something needs to be done so people don't end up in a situation that you ended up in by birth and survived from thankfully.
To Marie-
"I have always, always, always wished I moved across the country from my family. But the psycho-babble at the time was that you can't run away from your problems. Well, it would certainly have been worth a good try!"
Haha- I'm thinking about it!
To Delia Wood-
You had admitted that you were manipulative with their education because you "couldn't stand for them to be hurt." I am definitely not a psychologist, but as an adult child of a mother with Borderline tendencies, I have a question, why couldn't you stand for them to be hurt?
Yes, it is natural for a mother to wish that their children succeed, but oftentimes parents mess up the child's learning when they try to interfere. Oftentimes my mother has told me how to eat, exercise, shower, use deodorant, make friends, get good grades, and improve when I didn't ASK for help, and I can tell you, it is supremely frustrating to hear or listen to. I really do not want to listen to her at all anymore.
If a child feels smothered and retaliates at the mother, it is especially a sign that you need to step back and stop trying to help.
I am truly perplexed as to how both children of people with BPD and the parents with BPD themselves cannot see the other as normal people. I know that the mother and child (while in different generations) do not grow up in different cultures, where emotions and verbal expressions can easily be misunderstood as over- or under-emotional, so that is not a factor. I am JUST coming to the grasps in understanding my mother has an ILLNESS, but really, what causes it? How could BPD as an abnormality be used for a positive trait in helping the world? If not for motherhood (which I doubt), can BPD traits be helpful for anything else?
Huuuuuuuuh *breathes out* This page gives me such a sigh of relief. I'm dealing with my mother and I know she has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am 19, and a sophomore college student. Just this summer I went to my counselor to ask about family counseling and she recognizes that my mother has diagnosable Borderline tendencies; at the next family-focused session, I told my mom that I think she has Borderline personality disorder. It was hard to look into her eyes to say it, especially because she gives that bright-eyed, "I-might-cry-I-might-scowl-or-I-might-embrace-you" stare.
I am currently trying to "patch things up" with her before I go back to school for the fall. I have been feeling guilt as I do not want to see her or come back for Fall, Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring, or next year's summer break. I am planned all ahead to be away from home for at least a year, which I feel would be acting cold in someone else's mother-daughter relationship, but I feel is necessary so I am not stressed out in mine.. I think it is because I have only just realized this summer that my mom has a personality disordered illness why I have not developed skills yet to help myself have a relationship with her, which I still want to.
My mom has cared for my older sister and I financially, but truly if I were to stay with her in any way, I would become financially dependent on a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is insane.
I realize I am still the first, naive stages of realizing my life with my mother will be very different than what I notice in my friends' parental relationships: the normal "How are you doing? Ok, we'll let you get on and have fun in your life" conversations, without manipulation; wanting to see their parents; actually sEEING their parents...
I have been trying to plan specific "dates" this summer with her, although I admit, I have only had about three dates with her the past four months that weren't just shopping runs.
I am so glad I am not alone, while as I know statistically there are adult children in America who suffer and feel like they are crazy- and then go to counseling and realize they're not crazy, but have adopted bad borderline habits- it's another thing to hear it from someone's experience how they have also attempted to tackle the emotionally-intense hurdles to strive for a common, basic, and hopefully gentler bond with their mother. Thanks, Cailin.
Mara
Borderline Personality Disorder. I had to stop speaking to my, I don't even want to call her mother, but her, because she was too violent. That woman would literally rip my hair out of my head, peel almost all my skin off my face (face full of blood) while she tried to set me on fire for just looking at her. And wake me up by pulling butcher knives on me, when I was a teenager. I have no respect for her what-so-ever and DO NOT and WILL NOT speak to her ever again, and it's been years since I have. This is a woman who just cared about men, women, anything she could get her hands on, sexually. She didn't care who's husband, or boyfriend it was, her sisters, her daughters boyfriends and would brag about all these sexual conquests too, while she drank, constantly.
She didn't even 'know' any of the people who babysat us. She was only home long enough to THROW us out, from bed to the door, after dressing us as fast as she could, no food, no bathroom, nothing, just thrown out the door for school. Slammed you awake, dressed you as fast as she could, comb your hair until it hurt that you cried, screaming at you in bed and you wouldn't see her again until the next morning and this went on for years. The baby sitters were child molesters, IV drug users, drunks and they would beat and starve us, we'd be seriously sick as well and she's out partying. Then this witch decides to stay home and drink when we became old enough not to need baby sitters anymore and she'd put you through HELL. I don't know who was worse, her or the baby sitters.
And when you became adults, she would invite the person who molested you over to her house if you were there and he'd physically beat you up, while she stood idly by defending 'THEM'.
She's lucky I let her live and that I moved over 1000 miles away and DO NOT have contact with her. This witch wouldn't let me have one moments peace in my 'entire' life. She does the most disgusting things in her personal life, you name it and she's done it. Humiliates, embarrasses you to no end, make up lies about you and tells people the most horrible lies in the world about you. And then she says that I did all those things that she did/said or baby sitters did and it was really all them, not me. And that isn't even the half of it. She made sure we didn't have clothes, barefoot, had to quit school because of it. And threw us all out ages 13, 15, 17, 18 years old. She kept another kid by some married man, the 13 year old, but he went on the state, she moved, left him at the house and the state took him. The things she did to her own kids are unspeakable! My father mysteriously died when we were ages 1-2 and 3, the Social Security check is why she kept us. She had other kids by different guys, she gave the rest away, or caused herself to abort them. So see, sometimes people can't 'hang/talk' with their mothers, because they hate their kids more than life itself. These kind of mothers don't really want their kids around. This is a woman that told us she tried to either kill us while she was pregnant, or was hoping we died, and told us as kids she should put posion in our food. She made sure we knew she hated us, as well as she made sure we knew no one in the family on either side. So we had NOBODY! It doesn't matter how 'NICE' you are to her, she will mess you up! She takes that as a sign of weakness on your part. She'll just use you and abuse you. Chew you up and spit you out!
I really needed to find this article right now. Thank you.
Kay - please don't worry about what to do when the baby comes. As you could not do for yourself, THIS baby has a mother and YOU say when playtime's over! Visit's over! Picnic's over! Bye, grandma! See you later! (all happy faces and noises!). And then get the hell out of there (but remember the smiley face!). However, here's a heads up from when I had my little boy. When I was pregnant (and so happy - later I figured out my mother couldn't stand that period of my life, believe me, she got back at me for it) I was househunting with a Realtor in the area I grew up in so I could be around our families and have the whole gang together so my son would have fun memories with his uncles, aunts, and both sets of grandparents. I mean, how stupid must I have been??? I was 33 years old and still expecting a normal childhood for my son (you know - fishing with your uncles, bicycles with Daddy, impromptu get-togethers with the cousins). How on earth did that idea get in my head? Boy, I am such a dreamer! I was wrong, wrong, SO wrong! My son is 20 years old now, but I really wished we moved far away from here. My son knows they're all crazy now, but I spent his entire childhood protecting him from their teasing and cruelty and just outright neglect. I knew my brothers were jealous of me, and jealous of my son (he's a genius and looks like Leonardo di Caprio), but I didn't think they would take it out on my son - their own nephew! Well, they did simply because my son makes their sons look bad, and as a bonus, it would hurt me! Isn't it incredible? Just a different generation, different players, but the same old story! My son loved his cousins, but my older brother (who had two older adopted boys - cute but no brains) and my younger brother (who had a son that was born from his alcoholic wife, so he was small and scrawny but miracuously the alcohol did not harm his brain) used their sons to gain up together against my son (like I said, to hurt me, but also probably to boost up their egos). The older ones were bullies, the younger one was the laughing and taunting kid. It was such a shame they ruined the cousins' relationships forever this way. The younger one (an only child) and my son (also an only child) were only 9 months apart, lived down the same private drive from each other, have many things in common now and then and could have grown up to be great friends and pseudo-brothers for life. Now they are both in college and just sort of nod and say hello whenever their paths cross. I don't believe this would have happened if my brother's wife did not die of liver failure when her son was just 10 years old. She and I were close and we would not have let the men run roughshod over this tender time in a child's life, but being the only non-mentally ill one, I didn't have one person to stand up to help me. Everybody (my family) said it was my son's fault for not knowing how to take a joke, or being a bad sport. At the time I didn't know that my older brother (with the 2 adopted children) had borderline personality disorder - straight from my mother. They are both as evil and bad as the other. My younger brother has always done what the Queen mother and his psychotic brother said, because he says it's just easier to. Not to mention he stands out of the line of fire while it falls straight on me, trying to defend my son. And they all laugh with great glee! The same old story still happened, just a new generation!
If you married a good man who can stand up to this kind of ridiculous behavior, and come to your defense, then you will be okay because YOU can choose when you and your child decide to leave (try not to invite them over!), and your husband can probably make them back down with an angry face. My ex-husband did not help me. He let them run all over me and most of the time left me to fend for myself - business, you know. My brothers would have never tried to get away with that if I had a loving husband with a strong look, attitude, and voice. My brothers and my mother are essentially wimps when it comes to a man from outside the family.
My advice would be if you live in the same area and feel like you should see them, then you control the where and when and for how long. If games start up, then leave. ALWAYS make sure your husband is there IF they defer to him - you will never have a problem, then. If your husband doesn't back you up and you can't move away from them, then you should probably severely restrict the amount of actual face time with them. I have always, always, always wished I moved across the country from my family. But the psycho-babble at the time was that you can't run away from your problems. Well, it would certainly have been worth a good try!
Now I'm stuck here with my elderly borderline mother (QUEEN-type), my 2 brothers (who have, by the way, alienated their children), and my ex-husband (who was such a bad father to my son - of course, he and his mother (he's narcissistic, she's borderline - boy I picked a doozy) blame me for the reason my son doesn't go skipping over there all the time with bells on his toes! I can't make him go - he doesn't want to go! They are almost as crazy as my family.
Even though my family's abuse took a toll on my son's self-esteen, he is a sophomore at a large, very highly ranked college of Technology, lives at home and he's already making his name in the computer world. The only thing he needs help with is his self-esteem. Just goes to show, no matter how attractive, intelligent and witty you are, you can still have low self-esteem based on your own personal childhood hell. However, all in all, I think he turned out amazingly well for someone with the disease of borderline personality disorders on both sides. And no doubt, if I could work on my self-esteem, it would help him with his. Boy, the destruction these people cause runs deep, but hopefully not eternal.
And thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words Callin and Suzie! We can all learn from each other, and to paraphrase Jen - it's nice to know I'm not alone. And Granny, Bless you for taking in your granddaughter! You are doing just the right thing. I could tell my grandmothers and my aunts were concerned about me (maybe it was because of the way I grabbed onto their skirts when we were visiting? haha), but my mother really did a number on me. Not only did she strip me of any sense of self-worth, that led me to marry the WRONG man and further destroyed my life. And your granddaughter is so perceptive to notice she doesn't feel happy around her mother - she shouldn't feel happy, she is right to feel that way and somehow you should reinforce her feelings as being absolutely correct. I think she knows it because of how well you treat her - she knows that's the right way because she feels good. I didn't get a chance to read everybody else's post, but I'll be back soon! Maggs is right - this is a wonderful hub! Thank you everyone for your help!
thank u all i thought i was alone
I haven't looked at this board for months but am looking for a little advice...preferably from people who understand the need to sometimes break away from mothers with borderline personality disorder. I am now heavily pregnant and so obvisouly very emotional at times and I feel so angry with my Mum, I feel like I don't want her near me or our baby. It's because I haven't been able to resolve anything with her. As I said in my last post, my epic e-mail to her fell on deaf ears and I basically avoid her as much as possible, until the inevitable phone call, when she starts to interrogate me about why I haven't been in touch or ask me why I'm in such a bad mood. When I want to shout 'because I don't like talking to you!'Today it ended in me hanging up the phone on her. I feel so happy now I am married and in a great relationship and feel strongly that I don't want my son (when he arrives in a few weeks) to be around the negativity that I was. I have told her that I am happy to discuss things with her over e-mail but that discussing face to face is never successful and I don't need the stress right now. Do you think it would be foolish to end the relationship at a time like this? Apart from the guilt, I just feel so much calmer when I think about having no contact with her. I dread her coming over.
Back from dr.
See above and continue. I think one of the siblings did talk to my son because he wrote me a sentence in two messages--nothing of any consequence. I will be polite if he contacts me but keep my distance like most of your seem to prefer because you are hurt by us. Don't you know that all of us have specific problems and that we could probably categorize you as well? You hurt us as well.
When I read all these comments, they make me realize that few people have grey areas; most of them are just black or white. The problem seems to be resolved by just turning your back on primarily, your mothers. Maybe we should have turned our backs on you years ago when you really needed us. Realize that to the BPD, you seem like the abnormal ones. What we see in our world is normal to us.
I tried to commit suicide two years ago, everyone in my family keeps his/her emotional distance from me and they all think I am crazy just because of this. I hadn't planned it but thought of it for a week. But I did it spontaneously after my x screamed at me on telephone. It was too much; my heart couldn't take it anymore. I was in intensive care and when I awoke, the people around me were very angry. My psy. told me that reaction is normal. I thought, "They are angry. I am angry because I am still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with all this. Leave me alone." The only thing that bothered me was that I saw no light at the end of the tunnel; I saw no tunnel period. As I lay on my bed dying, I asked God's forgiveness but would not have done anything different at that time. Now some of you can label me a drama queen here. I only speak my heart frankly.
Reading these commentaries HAS BEEN A REAL EYE OPENER FOR ME. That is a good thing, and I think this is a good option for an emotional outlet. I didn't know that I have so profoundly affected those near and dear to me. I just guess "my vote never counted for much." I can also tell you that I have always felt that I don't want to be a burden on my children. In my mind, I would end my life before living with them.
The way I have dealt with BPD is consistent and frequent counseling. I am on 4 medications to help. They help the
pain, but my feelings seep through the lining of my stomach. I honestly don't think any amount of prayer or drugs would change these intense feelings that surprise me every 3 or so days.
Last, in all my efforts to "become normal" as you would say, I have learned that people don't want to be around a depressed person or hear the reasons. In the early stages, I was unable just to talk. Things have gotten better, and I have learned to COVER UP most of the time, to act happy when I am not, and to say things that people want me to in order to be considered "normal" and to be accepted.
Sorry! No time to edit because I have a doctor's appt.
From the mind of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother who has also been diagnosed as Bi Polar 2. So which is the correct diagnosis? I don't know. Two psychiatrists were involved. Maybe a different perspective for some of you:
I "happed" upon this page some way or another and have read all the commentary. I read all the comments and feel that there is much in the way of assumptions about BPD. Some of you are not qualified (not all) and have stereotyped your mothers and siblings. I didn't see anyone with a Ph.D. unless you have disguised yourself. Some of the characteristics noted are embellished from my point of view. The BEST COMMENT I read was from lilgirl24.
As a mother of three, I was wonderfully close and communicative with my sons and daughter until they became teenagers. My emphasis was instilling a belief in themselves and encouraging open communication, which I found in perhaps too much abundance. Yes, I was a bit of a drama queen and manipulative when it came to education; yes, this was manipulative. When my children hurt, I hurt. I was too involved in their problems because I couldn't stand for them to be hurt.
The feeling of abandonment was projected onto my perhaps. I projected my anger onto my husband of 35 years. I depended on his love and encouragement, and never got a response to my need for any of it. I found out years later that he never knew how to keep his zipper up and withdrew from the family as a result (I believe). Every time I tried to express my needs, he told me exactly what I needed to hear and never responded in any way. He was indifferent. He compartmentalized marriage and affairs, I believe. At least that's what my psy. said.
When I left, I felt hurt, unappreciated, and hatred for all of them. Like suggested in one comment, I however acted as a mother was expected to act out of obligation. I visited the children once a week or had my daughter visit me: the boys wouldn't. I lived 30 miles away, was a principal, and attended many of their games during the week. This took a lot of self-discipline and effort on my end because I didn't really want to.
When I went home, my youngest always left to go out with his friends. He later told me he felt abandoned (I felt abandoned in my own house years before that)and thought I left him, the only one in his words who treated me well. That was true, but I was too sick and depressed at the time to even think of it as I also never gave any consideration to their coming home to a lot of empty rooms when I left. How I could have done that, I don't know today. I am sure for them, as someone suggested above, that they thought I was unpredictable and that they found it scary and devastating. Today I have the best relationship with him, the youngest.
Looking back, I think that indifference is the opposite of love. As a popular girl in h.s. and later a successful career woman, I suppose I was my x's "trophy wife." In my marriage, I never gave up with the fight to have a good marriage; but as suggested above, I did take the "flight" route. At the time, my daughter was a senior in h.s., one son was in college, and the other son was in h.s. I JUST COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE. Whenever I tried to enforce REASONABLE discipline, my husband always undid it. He turned all but the youngest against me. My husband never wanted discipline of the children and enjoyed more being their buddy. He would argue with me in front of them.
I have always felt emotions more intensely, I believe, than normal people. I wish I didn't. For ex., if I see an animal killed on TV, I cry. I cry too often about not being able to see my grandchild addressed below.
After a divorce for a year, I was stupid enough to remarry my x. Why? He was involved with another woman soon after our separation, and I couldn't stand the thought of anyone's having him. Not a good reason, of course! Yes, manipulative, but it didn't work. I went back with no change, no agreement on his part for counseling, and more of the same indifference. The point is that today I know he is narcissistic and not capable of loving in the same way I do. There is nothing wrong with the former; it's just a fact that has taken me 8 years to deal with and accept. He loved in the way that he did, which was shallow and superficial according to my standards. But I am not sure that anyone feels love so deeply--or is it control? He never quit seeing this woman, so I was no winner. Yes, for me it was a contest.
I even went to the point later of marrying someone to get back at him--drama queen. That lasted 8 weeks, although a couple of years later we got together and have lived together almost a year--WITH NO ARGUMENTS, DRAMA, ETC. I don't love him. He is just a friend, and I have thought of giving up the relationship. But I would be left with no one, and I am getting old. I divorced him and never want to remarry.
By the way, our (the first) remarriage was two years prior to a suicide attempt. I have always since that time worked closely with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. When in rehab for suicide, the psy. told me that he didn't want to see me there again. I wondered what the hell he was talking about, but I found out as I worked hard to resist other attempts while living alone. Yes, as suggested above, I DO LIVE ON THE RAZOR EDGE OF LIFE. I have literally and in taking risks in career.
The career turned out well, but in the end the mental stress and problems led to my being asked to retire early or be fired. By that time, I was working as supervisor of two subjects for a school system. I did exceptionally well until all the problems finally overpowered me.
I divorced my first husband almost as soon as I went back with him. I caught him with the same woman he had and probably never stopped seeing. I never knew about the cheating before, but I couldn't live with it. Yes, I was very abusive emotionally in our relationship, AND SO WAS HE. Yes, I felt ABANDONED AND REJECTED long before the marriage was over and "kicked up a storm" to try to move him. After I divorced him the second time, he quit speaking to me--hasn't since. I finally kept moving in his direction and backed off as my psy. said. I need to treat him with the same indifference, she said, that he treats me. So far no results! What I want is just for us to come to an understanding because I think this hurts the kids.
The last point I want to address to those of you on the other side of the fence is my oldest son. YES, I have tried to control and manipulate him. After he got his masters and at 25, he had a daughter out of wedlock. He has never been a father to her, and it angers me to no end.
I never trained a son to be so insensitive to a child. This child was the result of casual sex. I was not ashamed of that nor of the out-of-wedlock child. What I was ashamed of was his reaction. He has just gotten back from Iraq, and nothing has changed.
While he was there, he wrote a rare email of one sentence here and there. As an officer, he had access to a computer all day. I sent packages that weren't acknowledged, except for one. In that message, he said that he didn't like one of the items but had given it to another soldier. At the time, I didn't realize that he was withdrawing from me because he didn't correspond with anyone much except his girlfriend.
Most recently, I tried to lay another guilt trip on him. He moved hundreds of miles away with his girlfriend, who is African American. I don't want him to marry her, and I don't want any half-breed grandchildren. SORRY to anyone I have offended. I cannot understand this myself because I dated and loved a black man when I was younger (6-yr. relationship).
He wrote me that he communicates rarely because everything I write is depressing and incredibly hurtful, although he loves me. He has stopped writing. I have also taken a step back and stopped writing. I read that if you have this problem to talk to the siblings in a positive manner about it. It is a sure thing that they will talk to him. I think one did because I
I need an online support group or something for children with mothers with BPD. I know everyone who has experienced what I have totally understands because all the stories told here (or what I have read) are always eerily similar. It blows my mind sometimes!
After a certain point I could no longer take the emotional abuse and my mother's roller-coaster mind-fuck games and I refuse to attempt anything with her anymore because it she is impossible. It doesn't matter what I do or say-I could be an angel-- I still suffer. I will not go on attempting to please HER when I should really be looking out for myself. I have a life to live and I won't waste any more of it on her and risk further abuse. It is difficult to get people to understand this... or her condition in general. I am not a horrible daughter, I did everything I could and more!
Excellent insights into a very, very difficult situation! Thanks! :)
I grew up with Bipolar I Disorder and ADHD and my mother and brother both have BPD, mom is a retired psychiatrist and never was diagnosed but my brother has and is less of a problem than my mom so I can safely say she has BPD as well. Her profession clouds her insight. My mother splits one kid at a time and luckily I have been the demon child for the past two mother's days. My brother is just like her so I get some sort of passive aggressive pleasure out of it.
I can deal with my mother and brother when I am objective and low stress because I would be less pressed to act outside of my defensive mode and anything less than robot is psychotic to them so I save it for them.
My problem is when I tell them what their problem is and call them on their behavior, although each will agree that the other does it during their blow outs they have no awareness that there is anything wrong with them at all, especially my mother, she does it all except for the suicide attempts.
I hate to say I lie to her but recently she sent a message saying she was attending a wedding in my town and that she'd be staying with me for a few days and to get in touch with her and I ignored it and waited. Later that day she sent a message saying something to the extent of having to 'accept that she gave birth to two of the most narcissistic sociopaths in the country' and I ignored it. I will call it an error or something. But she may never change and I accept that, it is sad.
So sorry I got the letters the wrong way round, sometimes awful and unfair situations stretch us way beyond what we once thought of as our limit. As we battle against the hardships and hurts we find that in the process we have grown and become better people. This is inspite of the harm and destruction that is so part of this terrible illness. You are more than up to living a life beyond the norm. Make sure to take some time to look after yourself.
Maggs224,
Thank you for your empathy with us. I think you hit the nail on the head when you surmised that there is no one right answer for everyone. There are varying degrees of this disorder. Overall, teenaged and adult children who deal with the BPD Mother are challenged in life beyond the norm. We have to strive to find our own truth within ourselves. Sometimes this means that we have to be estranged for long periods of time from our mothers. If we can educate ourselves and understand their condition, we can go on with our own journey with them in our life in a balanced and healthy way. It's not easy. But, it's possible.
Thank you again for your compliments.
What an amazing hub, and what amazing people you all are in spite of all that you have endured. I have no comments to make on the strategies as I have not had to deal with this.
However. one thing I feel after reading the hub and the comments is BDP is the enemy and that there is no one right answer that will fit every case.
Each of youthat have left comments have brought a contribution that just might be what someone else needs to hear. Cailin it is a wonderful thing that you have done in the writing of this hub,
We are very vulnerable when we lay our lives bare in front of people and it takes a great deal of courage and I admire you for your bravery in doing this.
Overall I think this has been a very worthwhile hub, the many comments that it has generated shows how much it was needed. Because each relationship is different even within the same family I think that all the sharing in the comments section has given a much needed resource of the different coping strategies that have worked in so many of these difficult to deal with circumstances. Thank you all for being so caring and sharing. God bless
You are a brave and courageous person. I don't say this lightly. I know how difficult it is to break away from an abusive relationship. It must be a great relief for you spiritually and psychologically. Suddenly, you have time to take care of yourself and learn to live again. My thoughts are with you.
My mother also has BPD. This year I've decided to disconnect. I didn't talk to her on Mother's Day and ignored phone calls and emails. I did a lot of visualizations about disconnection. It's her birthday soon and I'll ignore that too.
It's taken a while to realize that there is no relationship, because she doesn't see me. There's been a lot of drama, and I felt I needed to somehow get through to her, either to calm the rapidly changing emotions or to make her understand who I am. But it just doesn't work.
It's been over a month now, and I've realized that my identity was so wrapped up in that constant sense of uncertainty, violation, and mind fuck. (She has an MA in Counselling Psychology in addition to being BPD, so she really knew how to get in my mind). It's rather confusing not having that as much, and there is a lot of pain there that comes up without that constant war zone. But I think it's a great step.
Cailin, this is a heartbreaking scene and just makes me wonder about so many of those 'rotten' mothers I've heard about throughout life. You sure have developed a sensible attitude, dealing with a personality disordered mom must be so difficult for a young child, and impossible to ever really understand. The comment section has been so interesting, though that doesn't seem like the right word.
After much soul-searching, I have revised this article to reflect some of the comments that I have received in response to my suggestions. In particular, I have changed my suggestion from a private meeting to a group meeting. I have changed my suggestion from intense validation to a scripted response which may help adult children to manage their response to possible rejection and mood swings. I would not want anyone to see this as a quick fix. There are many great guide-books for family members of those with BPD and excellent on-line support groups and websites. Learning to manage this relationship is a life-long learning process for me. I only pray for guidance and strength.
Kate,
I am not judging you for being NC with your mother. I have been NC with my mother for years at a time. There is a big difference between a low and high-functioning BPD/NPD person who also has bipolar disorder. Of course, my situation is different from yours. I ony have to deal with my own mother. Your history is your own. It's true. And you are a different person who has lived through entirely different experiences.
I have not been able to get my mother to get help either. Have I failed too? No. I don't think either of us have failed. They are from a generation that doesn't take to therapy easily. I can't see her going in for DBT which has a high recovery rate for BPD and NPD. Bipolar is an entirely different condition that I don't claim to have experience with.
My question to you is "Are you the only child of this woman?" Is there a sibling who is now bearing the brunt on the care for her?" I'm not necessarily talking about validation, but something as simple as where she spends the holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. Do you get a free pass because you can't deal with her anymore? Have you passed this off on one of your siblings? I'm talking about this type of care-taking primarily. If you are an only child, or if all other siblings are NC during holidays, then at least there is consistancy.
In my case, all of her adult children spend time with her during the week. But, on holidays, I am the one who deals with her abandonment issues. I usually call my siblings in frustration and anger. Why am I the only one who takes this responsibility on myself? They know that I will do it, so they opt out and make other plans.
GrannyP,
I admire your courage and love for your family. Your mother and granddaughter are cared for and live in a loving home. Your daughter may still recover. The recovery rate for BPD patients is very high if they are committed to change. My mother came from an abusive household and lived through cruelty, poverty and emotional neglect when she was a child. BPD often develops in these conditions. She has been very successful in treating herself. She knows what works for her. But, any holiday is a low point for her.
Your granddaughter will thrive with your guidance and protection.
My mother is a 73 year old low functioning BPD/NPD/bipolar who REFUSES to take responsibility for her illnesses. She has cut a wide swath of destruction through many people's lives, mine included.
I have been a loyal, caring daughter for over 50 years despite being physically, emotionally and sexually abused in my family of origin. I have tried staying in relationship with my mother. I have tried getting her to accept help. I have prayed. I have cried. According to you, I have failed.
My primary obligation is now to to myself, my husband and my children. Trying to meet my mother's needs has almost destroyed both my mental and physical health.
If you're going to put up a blog on the internet, you're going to get comments from people who agree with your point of view and people who see things differently because they've had different experiences. It's not necessarily a bad thing when someone posts a comment from the other side of an issue.
It's hard enough coming to terms with having a mother with a personality disorder without having other daughters who don't know the particulars of your situation judge you for your choices.
I've done extensive research on BPD/NPD, and spent countless hours in counseling with the goal of being able to set boundaries with and stay in relationship with my mother.I have come to the point of permanent NC reluctantly, as other options have failed.
My head is not in the sand.
Thank you for listening.
Cailin:
Your response was beautifully written. Although I can understand Kate's point of view, and certainly her feelings of extreme frustration, I think there's some middle ground for those who are in a place in their lives where they can be strong and not let others "get to them." There should be no stigma in distancing yourself from someone when you have trouble coping. Everybody needs a break. Some perhaps longer than others. In addition to raising my Granddaughter, my husband and I have taken in my 83-year-old mother who has been very ill. Her needs are quite opposite those of the 7 1/2-year-old, so it's a juggling ace. Although she's mentally well most of the time, she can be very stubborn and judgmental. Is it easy? Nope. She needs some nursing care I'd rather have others do. But she's my Mom, and she does all she can to give back, even if it's just tottering around the kitchen and helping with cleanup. We know she's trying. I will most certainly do my best, as I know she'd do for me. At the same time, I can teach my Granddaughter about caring for the people we love.
GrannyP
My mother is a high-functioning 72 year old woman who lives on her own. She has four adult children. I have been NC with her over the years for two years at a time. I often have gone months with NC. When I was younger, NC was the only option for me. As I have grown older, and maybe matured, I have come to the realization that we, her children, have an obligation to care for her in the same way we would if she had a physical disability.
The mentally ill face a stigma in this country. I know that it is stressful and for the most part, a thankless job. But, I won't look back years from now with regret. True. When I was younger, FOG may have been the impetus for contact. Fear and guilt have given way to obligation at this stage of the game.
When I was younger, I lived in Ireland. The mentally challenged and otherwise "oddballs" in the village were not ostracized and abandoned. They had a right to be included in family and community life with all of their idiosyncrocies. In the United States, I have heard the opposite in therapy sessions. We all have to take care of "ouselves", right? We should only care for our nuclear familiy, right? This is why we have homeless families. We are a nation founded on individuality, but also one that must be self-reliant. Self-reliance includes our obligations to our families. We really do have an obligation to take care of our own. The government is not the family for the mentally ill. At some point, we must take responsibility for our own lives, regardless of the abuse, poverty or suffering that we experience. "Looking into the abyss" of your mother's eyes may be frightening, but it's better than sticking your head in the sand.
We can be our own mother and father if needs be. And we can be the mother and father of those around us. We are the adults. We make the difference.
"All life is the retelling of the story in the forms of the myth" Thomas Mann
While I respect your ability to cope with your BPD mother, some of your suggestions don't seem healthy to me. The first suggestion I have reservations about is the one to look intently into your mother's eyes and to be a partner in her emotional intensity. Nina Brown, in Children of the Self-Absorbed, recommends the exact opposite approach when dealing with the Cluster B personality disorders. She has the adult child work on dialing down that intensity and creating an emotional forcefield to keep the parent's projections out of our psyche. Borderlines in recovery learn to dial down the intensity. We're participating in dysfunction when we perpetuate this dynamic.
Looking directly into my BPD/NPD mother's eyes is tantamount to gazing into the abyss, and a guaranteed way for me to lose my hard won sense of being an individual self. It's not healthy for many of us to leave ourselves as open containers for our mother's internal intensity and projections.
I agree with your statements regarding structure and boundaries, and not putting up with abuse.Those are very well put.
I don't agree with the thoughts that we MUST give our mothers the emotional validation and care that we didn't receive as children, and that we *of course* appreciate her. love her. and care for her. "Because she's your mother."
It's vital for adult children of Personality Disordered mothers learn to care for themselves first, and not be swayed by the FOG(fear, obligation, and guilt) of our old programming.
"Because she's your mother" is a FOG statement to me.
Many of us with mothers like this end up going NC or can only manage a low contact/civil relationship.Methods like yours just don't work for many of us. Some of us are exhausted and can't cope with the constant needs for over the top validation that just drains out of the holes in their mother's souls.
We can't be our mother's mother. That's not a healthy goal to aspire to. With a BPD mother, we must maintain our individuation, and while we may do caring things for our mothers, it isn't out of the enmeshment that this type of role reversal would encourage.
I appreciate you sharing here, and your way of coping with your mother's illness sound like they are working for you. I would just hate it if a newbie tried some of these tips and were even more wounded when they didn't help.
Here's a link to an online forum founded by Randi Kreger for adult children of Borderline mothers:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChild
Thank you for listening.
litgirl24:
Thanks for your insight and the Mother's day wishes--I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, but I really appreciate your advice. You're absolutely correct on all counts! Yesterday, my granddaughter told me, "My Mommy's weird." I didn't know what to say at first, (my brain wanted to respond with, "Ya think???") but I let her talk some more and I responded by validating the thought that her mom thinks about things differently. I realized that as this little girl is maturing, she really is pondering this more and more from an analytical standpoint, rather than simply reacting emotionally. Sad, but interesting. As I said before, and as you pointed out, this type of communication is all very healthy for her. Her mom was here for Mother's Day, and, aside from some "weird" behavior, we actually did pretty well together. This is not common, but when it happens, it is proof that it's possible...
I just started reading "When Hope is Not Enough," which is the result of a husband's interaction with his BPD wife. He apparently has provided some tools to deal with behaviors that spin out of control. I hope this is helpful!
Your comment about teaching people to "soothe themselves" really strikes me. This is exactly what I think this little girl needs. This is a powerful tool for anyone, but particularly in her situation, she'll need to be exceedingly strong-willed in order to avoid being sucked into the drama, and as you mentioned, any inappropriate aspects of her mom's life. We all hear a lot about how the mom's friends are letting her down, how things are falling apart, etc... One thing I fear for the child is that she's taking all this in and worrying about her mom too much, or just getting a really unhealthy view of life and/or how to maintain a positive outlook. I try to balance that with a more structured, positive lifestyle for her. So far, so good! :)
Thanks for the encouragement and information. I'll check out those sources.
Gratefully,
GrannyP
GrannyP,
One last thing, I would underscore to your granddaughter that it's okay not to trust her mom, that it's actually healthy not to trust her as her boundaries with her daughter are probably not normal. For example, she might tell her daughter or show her daughter too much of her personal love life, etc, and this can be scary to a 7 1/2 year old. Supporting her feelings is paramount as being around someone acting crazy makes you feel crazy if there is no one there to validate your feelings and confirm the craziness. I know. I've been there. I kind of feel as though I'm the sole survivor of my family. It's a very lonely feeling. Having someone else like you to confirm her fears will open her up and allow her to feel other things like sadness that her mom isn't normal.
Best to you, GrannyP, and Happy Mother's Day! :)
H
Yes, Cailin, I agree; mood disorders like Bipolar Disorder, in the past, were often confused with Borderline Personality Disorder because of the unpredictability, mood swings, and issues with impulsivity seen in people with BPD. The other diagnosis that has been given instead of Borderline Personality Disorder was Dissociative Identity Disorder or what used to be called, Multiple Personality Disorder. This is because the person with Borderline Personality Disorder does not show a consistent face to the world. S/he is like a collection of various personalities without a center, or central way of being. I've seen this in my mother. This is part of why it's so confusing (not to mention, scary and devastating), growing up with a Borderline Mother. There is no consistent sense of self. And, often, the person acts "as if" she is a mother, as she believes mothers to act (or fathers, if the person is male), not as s/he really is or feels. The person is always pretending because feelings and identity switches so quickly based on what's happening interpersonally -- based on intense fears of abandonment -- because there is no consistent self. It's a cycle. No self leads to dependence which leads to desperation and fear and then anger. Recent research on BPD is now to classify BPD as a Dissociative Disorder, like PTSD, in which the person's way of responding is based on fight or flight, and this is literally created and supported through neural networks in the brain. And, since many people with BPD are trauma survivors, it makes sense that DBT, a method which helps people interrupt the cycle of fight or flight, works so well. BPD is a lot like an addiction. It becomes hardwired in the brain to respond to people the same way, as if from a script, which is a problem if you want to be seen as an individual, especially if you're the person's daughter.
Anyway, I also want to say to GrannyP, good thing you stepped in and are raising your granddaughter! Good for you for preventing her from being raised by someone unpredictable. I would suggest a couple of things. First, I would suggest talking to your granddaughter about her feelings, and normalizing that it's okay for her to have ambivalent feelings towards your daughter. Ask her how she feels. She might feel fear, and that's important to acknowledge so she doesn't feel alone. Second, I'd recommend having her go to a therapist who specializes with personality disorders and/or DBT. Teaching kids an abbreviated form of DBT is possible. My girlfriend works with families and DBT, (families NOT diagnosed with BPD), as it's a very helpful skill in teaching parents and kids how to soothe themselves. DBT or mindfulness is great for everyone, and they even have books on it for kids.
http://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Stress-Reduction-
Lastly, you might get support for yourself, through NAMI (the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill), as BPD is a mental illness and all are affected. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book for families. Also, here's a site for parents. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if a grandparent posted. ;)
http://www.parent2parentbpd.org/
Best to you!
H
Cailin:
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. We have so much to learn, and it's scary to look ahead in this situation--we try to take it a day at a time and trust that our intuition will be accurate. Although I saw that "child mothering her mother" phenomenon very early on, we've adjusted our behavior and her exposure to her mom to alleviate this as much as possible. This little girl is strong already, and she and I have an amazing bond. Her father, a habitual substance abuser, was killed in a hit-and-run accident before the child was born, so she's grieving not so much the loss of her father, but not having a father like other children she knows. My husband is wonderful with her, as are so many other males in our family, so when she expresses sadness about her dad, we remind her of about all the caring men around her. She knows she's in a safe, loving, and structured home.
I plan to keep looking for support, as you suggested, and my plan is to try to give her the gift of coping tools. From what I've read, I believe the mom is a "high-functioning" individual, so I pray that she'll accept help some day. She really loves her daughter as much as she's able to, but the nurturing part is just not there. Some days it's just hard to find the energy to cope with my daughter myself, so I know there must be a huge emotional cost for a small child to experience a relationship like this.
Again, thank you. Good luck and God bless you, as well.
GrannyP,
I'm heartbroken to hear your story. You are a brave woman. What you have done has essentially changed the course of your grandchild's life. She will learn how to have healthy relationships because of your guidance and example. This does not mean that she won't feel conflicted as she navigates her relationship with her mother. The BPD mother has intense abandonment issues. Because of this, her daughter will feel her intense love and affection along with her intense anger when she feels rejected and abandoned. You asked for suggestions. As you know, at her age, you have to protect her from her mother's negative influence. If the child is looking for her mom to be a mother in the traditional sense, then she will be looking forever. She will never be able to guilt-trip your daughter into becoming a better mother. Your daughter has a personaility disorder that needs treatment. Did you know that this personality disorder has an extremely high recovery rate. McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts has one of the best BPD treatment programs in the world. If possible, encourage your daughter into treatment by a doctor or therapist who understands this disorder. She needs DBT therapy. Until then, protect your granddaughter from playing the mother role for your daughter. This will be too confusing for her. If you are honest with your granddaughter in an age-appropriate way, she will feel less burdened. For example, I would say that Mom can't control her feelings and that sometimes she needs a time-out. Always tell your grandaughter that her Mom is not well so that she won't take her emotional ups and downs personally. To your granddaughter, her mother will seem manipulative. You have taken on the role of mother for her. Be strong. Be the mother that she needs. Do some internet searches for family support groups for this disorder in your area. You need support. God bless.
I am raising the child of a BPD mother. We took her from her mother at age 2, which was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to do. This child is now 7 1/2, and has only supervised visits with her 26-year-old mom, due to a frequently displayed absence of responsible judgment. Not the mom's fault, but I think we've truly saved this child's life. After a visit yesterday, the child cried about her mom leaving, then told me how she doesn't really like her very much. My question is, do you know of any material I can read regarding this obviously strained relationship? I'm now reading Understanding the Borderline Mother, but would like to know if there's anything else that would be helpful in my bolstering this little one's self-esteem, as well as giving her tools to cope with her mom as a young teen/adult. My daughter, the mother, is not willing to continue with counseling, and, of course, feels that we are too tough on her and that everyone else is to blame for all her adjustment and relationship issues. This is truly a very tough situation, but the good news is that this child is loving, smart, and resourceful. She also has learned to trust adults, which I know will take her a long way. She simply does not trust her mother. I think she's looking for her mom to be a mother, but just doesn't know how to verbalize this. I'm glad she's trying though!
This truely saddens me, may all of you have a wnoderful Mother's Day. Very well written.
Because BPD is a relatively new diagnosis, I feel that I haven't had time to prepare for this. I remember learning about bipolar disorder through college friends who had bipolar parents. One of my closest college friends and I spent hours trying to figure out my mother. Her father was bipolar. She and I concluded that my mother must be bipolar. But, she never quite fit the mold and we couldn't put our fingers on her disorder. Years later, my brother began researching this personality disorder and I saw the light. This was the answer. When your mother is older and doesn't believe that her behavior is disordered, then you feel like your'e caught in a life raft with them in the middle of a tempest. Living with a mother with this disorder is mentally and emotionally stressful. When they are high-functioning and now in their 70s, they have spent a life-time molding their world to manage their disorder. Will we ever be who they need us to be? No. Will they ever be who we need them to be? No. We live knowing that we can never save them or make them feel loved unconditionally. They live on the razor's edge of life and if we choose to have relationships with them, we often find ourselves feeling the blade ourselves.
Incidentally, I have been the all-good child of a queen/witch mother, so I do understand Suzie and Marie's comments about their mothers. Sometimes, no contact is the best contact, and it's about making sense and making peace with one's internal mother (the images of one's mother) and the past, and accepting that one's mother will never be a June Cleaver or even a predictable, grumpy Roseanne. I empathize strongly with both of you, as I've watched my brother become villanized and dumped on with my mother's projections.
For me, it's all about taking time for myself, coping with my guilt, talking to trusted friends/partner, self-soothing, removing myself from sitations with her in which I feel panicky, or acknowledging to myself that Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness, (still an ongoing process as my mother was touted the Queen Bee and the governing person in my family -- with my father denying it, not protecting my brother and I, or denigrating us). It's hard to hold the truth when the truth is denied in one's family. It's hard to name the behaviors because I've felt guilty charging my mother with an undesirable name, something scary. And, I've been told I'm too sensitive.
However, I've had years of therapy in which my feelings have been validated, am a therapist myself.
Despite all this, because it's my mother, and because my father (who acts like he is God), denies it, and because my brother doesn't talk about the family dynamics (he's been diagnosed as Borderline), I still struggle with making sense and trying to have a relationship with my overly-possessive, envious, rageful, self-pitying, ravenous, (like a black hole), mother who is, by the way, an upstanding member of her community in the field of mental health!
This fact, as well as her knowledge of psychology, created a lot of problems for me in trying to understand how someone so high-functioning could act so crazy.
But, then, Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (the leading treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder), is said to be a high-functioning Borderline.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful, helpful, and validating comments, Ms. Gallagher. For years, I've struggled to make sense of the push-pull, guilt-inducing, irrational, intensely emotional and possessive relationship that my mother has with me and others around her. Your comments about structure, validation, and not taking abusive remarks were especially helpful. Given my mother's intense, psychotic-like gaze, I find it hard to look in her eyes, so looking deep into her eyes is not good for me. However, I do reassure her regularly that I love her. I also appreciated your comments about spending private time together and planning the separation time so the borderline mother won't feel abandoned. These ideas are all very useful. Thank you!
I also found a lot of help, validation, and a sense of understanding in the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Dr. Christine Ann Lawson.
Thanks again! :)
Not so remarkable. Believe me, I lose my energy constantly and deal with regret and anger if I haven't planned and structured holidays in particular. Easter was a disaster. I've been angry for days, but then I hear that she may have heart problems and is going for a stress test. Of course, I get on the phone to reconnect and forget about everything. She has taught me to forgive.
I think you must be a remarkable woman to deal with your mother in such a patient way Cailin. I have similar issues with my mother and as I am recently married and pregnant I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with her and whether I want it to continue when I have my child. It is so mentally draining and exhausting to deal with a mother like that that I don't know if I want to do that my whole life. I already feel like I spent my own childhood and a lot of early adulthood tiptoeing around her, feeling very sad and confused about her behaviour. I feel free when I don't see her and it is only guilt that makes me stay in touch. Things came to a head a few days ago when she realised I was avoiding her and wouldn't come over for Easter and she called me very angry. So I was more honest than I have ever been and e-mailed her.(No point in trying to tell her over the phone as she would just shout or cry) I sent a long email which took me 3 days to get right so that I wouldn't say unnecessarily mean things. It talked about her behaviour and what I find unacceptable and how she needs to acknowledge this, take responsibility and work on this so that we can have a good relationship. I had thought about suggesting that she has a personality disorder but knew she would never accept this. Her response only made me realise even more that she does have a personality disorder, as in her reply she just made out that she had been a victim and had brought us up with little help from our dad and she didn't acknowledge any fo the points i'd made. She just sadi it was pointless arguing over email and that she thought she'd been a good mother but obviously hadn't.She said she just wanted me to be happy and could have responded in a worse way I guess. I just feel like she buried her head in the sand and refused to admit repsonsibility for any of her behaviour......Not sure whether to just let her know I don't want to see her or whether I should give it another try?? I have spent the last year or so sneakily trying to see my dad without seeing her anyway so it would be a lot easier to have no contact. I know she will never change and I know the emptiness will never be filled even if I stay in touch with her.
I found the pic on photobucket if I remember correctly. Perfect, huh? My "shield" may be the belief that underneath all of the madness, there beats a heart of gold. This is easier to accept when we are dealing with a family member. Unconditional love. But, you also have to come to the realization that its not you. I don't believe I would be able to accept this disorder in a spouse or partner. I'm not that strong.
I married and divorced a BPD It was exhausting. I didn't realize what was happening until I was out of the marriage. Good for you for finding a strategy that works well with your mom. How do you take care of yourself when dealing wiht her? You obviously have some sort of "shield" from her.
Also I love the pic at the top of page.. where did you find it?
I empathise with Kelli, Marie, and Suzie. In a perfect world, my strategies would work all of the time. I simply use them as a guide. Her criticism and anger at any of my weaknesses takes a very harsh toll on me. I have always felt belittled and unworthy. They play their abandonment games and we are along for the ride. My attempt at guide-posts is simply an attempt to provide structure to a relationships that is notoriously unstable.
Oh how I can relate, I could have written this article. Its a sorry thing to have to deal with in my life, unfortunately I have no borthers, sisters or family- she alienated all of those in my youth. I find great relief in reading articles like this, it makes me not feel so alone in dealing with my mothers mental illness. And to the person who is desiring apology- in my experience it will NEVER HAPPEN, we suffered horrendous abuse from this woman just this year alone and she has already altered it to fit her mental illness. Its said stuff. I wish I had a different mother, but I know I cant. I make do with other mother figures that I cherish. Take CAre, Kelli H.
I have to agree with Marie on this. Cailin, your solutions are fine for a BPD mother that actually has the capacity to care (even rarely) that you are spending time with her - one on one or whatever, it doesn't matter, because she can react normally once in a while. I have a feeling Marie and I have the same type of BPD mother. The only reason my mother would invite me and try to shame me into getting together for Mother's Day is to set me up in some sort of trap where she and my brothers can gain up on me, hiss and sneer at me, demean me and my attempts at conversation, completely disregard anything I say in my defense against their insulting attacks and all the while pretend we are having a good time. I am what they call the "no-good" child with a BPD mother who has the "Witch" personality. According to my therapist and every book I've read about her type, there is only one way to deal with a Witch BPD mother - avoid her. Every phone conversation is turned around by them with projection, distorted memories, etc. There are no happy-happy get-togethers. Some may say, "Well, they don't last long and that is my cue to gracefully exit," but they don't exist at all with this woman. I'm with you Marie, I know where you're coming from. I am not speaking out of anger for my mother - she is 82 years old and I STILL try to appease her, and make sure she's okay. My brothers (whom she adores) don't even bother to call her. I'm all she has, and in her insecurity, I'm also the one she berates and accuses of doing the crazy sh*t she would do. I just try to make sure she doesn't feel abandoned. My brothers used her and dumped her - I'm still left. My doctor asks me why I care - did she ever worry about my feelings? Ha! No, that was never a concern for her. But I am not capable of turning my back on someone who needs me. At this point in our lives, I can only grin and bear it, and get the he11 out of there ASAP. I finally, at the age of 52, realized she wasn't capable of loving me (after all, my father was crazy about me - hence, she was competitive), but I am capable of empathy for her. After 50 years of trying to understand why she couldn't love someone who tried so hard to please her, empathy is all I have left for her and it's the best I can give. My best coping technique, Marie, is to try to stick to one 5-minute phone conversation with her per week. I would love to have no contact at all with her, but I figure I took her horrendous abuse for this long, I can at least make sure when she dies that she doesn't feel alone. And if - and this is a big if - she somehow summons the decency to apologize for her treatment of me in the past, I will surely forgive her so she can have some peace. It won't happen, though. She will die thinking I am all the terrible things she is, and she'll probably go out cussing! But it won't kill me to take it one....more....time.
Solarcaptain,
Sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. I'm afraid that the legacy of the BPD parent is far-reaching. My oldest daughter is being swept up in the web as well. Although I feel like I have a handle on it to some degree, it is another story when you see the negative effects on your own children. The abandonment issues are over-whelming. Splitting can also be a huge challenge for a child to understand, especially when they are pre-teens. I feel for my daughter and also continue to try to have a relationship with the most complicated woman in the world for me.
What courage and tenacity you have! You have also rise above above it all and are an excellent role model for those with similar parents. For myself, the greatest thing was to be able to get away from her manipulations and live free of double messages and guilt.
What was even more wonderful was finally realizing that I had choices. when I decided to go back, the power she once held over me was gone and while she could not show or express her love, I was able to express mine. She had no control over her illness, anymore than her mother. But she did the best she could, holding the family together and making sure we all finished our studies.
What is interesting is the other family members are very angry with me. Their old, tired moaning and groaning, for me, is a large bore. There efforts to place me in the role of scapegoat leave me cold. I find that distance and being with positive friends is the antidote. What is liberating is my choice to not be angry when confronted with their stuff. I just don't want to waste any time bogged down in an impossible situation.
Well written and insightful article. You have a handle on the situation and I congratulate you! Having had the opportunity to have once worked with similar individuals as described in your article, I can only say I hope that more people see you writings and pass them on. This is one of the least understood of the personality disorders. Mental health workers are often sucked in by the perceived power of such individuals and actually become an unwitting tool. A strong therapeutic environment, with cooperative workers or a team, is a powerful force that may counteract the games and manipulations of these patients. They are well defended and can "wear out" a therapeutic community and the other patients as well. Group therapy sessions may end with participants angry and feeling exasperated that one person can be the main focus so often and not really listen to what anyone is saying.
One can only shudder at the thought of these persons having kids and being responsible to raise them properly.
Marie,
I empathise with your anger and frustration. Of course, these are some of the strategies that we can use with BPD mothers. We will never forget the emotional abuse. But, in order to move on with our lives as adults, we have to see them as mothers with a detrimental personality disorder. Taking care of ourselves sometimes means turning the phone off and refusing to take abuse. Please do not let their issues become your issues. You are fine. Your personality is normal. You do not react emotionally as they do. I'm suggesting that you see them in a new light...maybe not in the mothering role. A mother with BPD will never be a mother in the traditional sense. The nurturing, supportive, understanding mother of our dreams is not our reality. But, if you choose to be involved in their lives, or must take care of them, as adult children are forced to do, join a group of like-minded children of BPD mothers for support. Getting on with your own life may mean that you become her mother. Just like a mother, you must manage her behavior, validate her feelings, but distance yourself from your own emotional reactivity. She may be your mother, but the child of a BPD mother is the one who "mothers". We are fortunate in that we are able to do so.
Yes, but the problem is, sometimes a child with BPD has TRIED all this before (likely many times) and been krapped on by their mother. It is not helpful to say "she is your mother" because we've heard that so many damn times and when a person tells you you're crazy, that there's nothing wrong with your mother, it makes you feel like your life really is worthless and that you yourself are crazy. I am tired of telling my mother that I love her and want her to be happy and then being completely DUMPED on, and made to feel completely worthless. I will NEVER have in my life what she failed to provide to me as a child, because no one else can be your mother. I am permanently damaged because of this awful woman and my father never even tried to protect me, so long as he wasn't getting the brunt of her wrath. I have terrible relationships with men, and despite how much progress I think I have made in therapy, I always seem to find the men who will make me feel as worthless as she did. And this is with me keeping my eyes open and really trying! So no disrepect, but please don't give the children of a BPD mother the "she is your mother" line, because she certainly never acted like a mother.
Beautifully written Cailin. You truely have grasped the reality of the situation and how easy it is to deal with her. I love you!
Oh dear! I am so sorry for your situation. Congratulations on your courage, patience, and willingness to share your hard-won insights with the rest of us. I think that this disorder has degrees, and many people who do not suffer from an extreme case may have some symptoms, so these hints will work well for many.
Actually, I wish they would just do away with Mother's Day. It's a pain in the neck. Birthdays are better. They celebrate each person as a complete individual rather than a personification of a social role. Don't get me wrong, I loved raising my daughter. I'm very proud of her, and, when both of us aren't swamped with work, we enjoy our time together, but Mother's Day is really just another commercial opportunity and its artificiality is a problem.
Nicely written, Cailin. Your suggestions are also clear and sound workable. Happy Mother's Day to YOU!
Great job cailin... it's tough but understanding and dealing is tough and very hard to appreciate. you wrote the truth and will help others try and understand what we've been subjected too for so many years. Our normalcy is another ones discontent with that person.
Great job sis! Beautifully written! Make sure you schedule some fun time for yourself! Last year your brother took me out for dim sum on Saturday. The next day we spent with momma - made life much easier for the daughter-in-law! No resentment issues!
Thank you for the support Shalyce. Much appreciation. :)
What a difficult thing to deal with. Borderline personality disorder is an intense disorder to deal with a family member. Best of luck with it all.
anightowl 3 days ago
Just wanted to say thanks for this article, and to everyone who commented. One take-away I have from these posts is the reminder that I'm not alone in my situation, followed by a renewed strength and determination to be the person I am regardless, in spite of and because of my mother. Mother's Day is always tough for me, especially this year, and I guess I'm still bouncing back from it.
Although I haven't had contact since that day, I'm sure I will soon. She doesn't have a severe case to the extent that some people experience, but I needed and still need some space. I do care about her, and understand that she is a great hearted person with a disruptive and hurtful disorder. That grey area of not-as-severe a case combined with the roller coaster unpredictable nature of each conversation/visit can make for some stressful times, though, that are tough for people outside this type of situation to understand.